In 1979, psychologist Dorothy Tennov introduced the world to the concept of limerence in her book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being In Love. This term describes a state of intense emotional obsession and infatuation with another person. It’s not just a crush or fleeting infatuation but a deep, often uncontrollable, longing for someone. Tennov’s research, based on interviews with 500 individuals, revealed the depth of this experience and its sometimes unhealthy effects on people’s lives.

At its core, limerence goes beyond mere attraction. It’s an involuntary state where the person becomes consumed by thoughts, fantasies, and emotions centred on the object of their affection. While the idea of being so captivated by someone might sound romantic, limerence can be overwhelming and even debilitating.

The Symptoms of Limerence

Limerence manifests through a range of behaviours and emotions that are often difficult to control. A person experiencing limerence may:

1. Obsessively think about the other person: Thoughts of the object of affection dominate the mind, making it hard to focus on anything else. These thoughts are intrusive, appearing at random moments, and can feel almost impossible to suppress.
2. Feel emotionally dependent: The person’s mood and sense of self-worth often hinge on how the object of their affection responds to them. A small gesture, like a smile or a kind word, can result in euphoria, while perceived indifference or rejection can lead to devastation.
3. Engage in elaborate fantasies: These can range from imagining romantic encounters to envisioning an idealised future together. These fantasies can become so vivid and detailed that they feel almost real.
4. Crave reciprocation: A hallmark of limerence is the desperate need for the other person to feel the same way. Without this, the limerent individual can experience intense emotional pain and feelings of rejection.
5. Misinterpret signals: People in a limerent state often overanalyse the behaviour of the person they are infatuated with. A casual remark or a fleeting glance might be blown out of proportion, feeding into their fantasies and reinforcing their obsession.

The Emotional Rollercoaster

Limerence is often described as a rollercoaster of emotions. When the object of affection shows any sign of reciprocation, the limerent person feels a rush of euphoria. This “high” can be addictive, making them crave more attention and validation. However, the flipside is devastating. If their feelings aren’t returned, they may spiral into despair, self-doubt, and even depression.

This emotional volatility can make it difficult for someone in a limerent state to maintain perspective. Relationships, friendships, and even their own wellbeing can take a backseat to the obsession.

Is Limerence Love?

One of the questions Tennov explored was whether limerence is the same as love. The answer is complex. While both involve strong emotions, love is typically seen as a deeper, more stable connection that grows over time. Love involves mutual respect, understanding, and care, whereas limerence is marked by obsession and emotional dependency.

It’s also important to note that limerence isn’t always reciprocated. The person on the receiving end may not even be aware of the intense feelings directed toward them.

When Limerence Becomes Unhealthy

While limerence isn’t inherently harmful, it can become unhealthy when it starts to interfere with daily life. If someone spends hours daydreaming or struggles with rejection to the point of despair, it might be time to seek help.

In some cases, limerence can lead to unhealthy behaviours, such as stalking or neglecting personal responsibilities. Recognising these tendencies is crucial for maintaining balance and avoiding potential harm to oneself or others.

Coping with Limerence

If you find yourself experiencing limerence, there are steps you can take to manage it:

• Recognise the signs: Acknowledging that you’re in a limerent state is the first step.
• Focus on self-care: Prioritising your physical and emotional wellbeing can help you regain perspective.
• Set boundaries: Limit contact with the person if necessary, and avoid situations that fuel your obsession.
• Seek support: Talking to a therapist or trusted friend can provide clarity and guidance.

Final Thoughts

Limerence is a powerful emotional experience that can bring both joy and pain. While it’s natural to feel drawn to others, understanding the difference between healthy attraction and obsessive infatuation is key to maintaining balance in your life. Dorothy Tennov’s work sheds light on this intense state of being, offering insights that can help us navigate the complexities of love and longing.

By recognising and addressing the signs of limerence, it’s possible to move towards a healthier, more fulfilling emotional connection with yourself and others.